I’ve been listening to Elliott Smith almost exclusively for the last week or so. I’ve mentioned before that his music means a lot to me, and I can honestly say that it helped me get through some of the worst times in my life. Sometimes you just need to be reminded that someone else has felt those same things … That someone else understands you.
At times, though, his music transports me back to a time in my life that I’d rather not relive. It’s weird because sometimes I want to remember those moments so I can feel good about how far I’ve come. Sometimes, however, those memories are just too soul crushing to deal with.
And then there are the good memories, those flashes of happiness that creep up when you least expect them. While many people welcome good memories, I’m not always thrilled when they enter my mind.
8 years ago I wrote something that I still feel is applicable today, and, despite any reservations I may have about posting this, I’m going to share it because I think it will help explain my feelings regarding happy memories:
“One thing I’ve realized, though, is that sometimes good memories make me feel worse than bad ones. This is due to the fact that a good memory is this intangible thing that can never be recreated … You experience it firsthand only once, and after that you can never have that exact feeling again. I’ll remember everything about that moment in time, from the way things looked to the way they smelled to the way I felt … But I can never relive that exact moment (or chunk of time in some cases) again. All I have is the memory … And sometimes that’s not enough.”