Sometimes I wonder if people think of me the way I think of them.
When I look back on times I shared with various people in my life, I wonder if they remember those moments as well. Do those memories still matter to them? Do I still mean something to them?
I think these questions arise more frequently when it comes to friendships that have ended. (And, if I’m being completely honest, I sometimes wonder the same things about guys I’ve previously been involved with.) I know it does absolutely no good to remain stuck in the past … Obviously the friendship/relationship didn’t last for a reason. But still … If you really cared about someone and shared yourself with them, you don’t just suddenly forget they exist. (At least I don’t.)
I often think about one friend in particular (someone I once considered one of my closest friends) even though I haven’t seen or spoken to her in years. It’s just so heartbreaking to think that someone I was once so close to, someone I trusted with all of my secrets, someone I believed would never judge me (even when I was making some pretty questionable choices) could suddenly just cut me out of her life. I still don’t know why it happened.
A lot of the stories from my high school and college years involve her, so her name naturally comes up in conversation from time to time. But once in a while I stop to wonder, “Does she ever talk about those times? And, if so, what does she say?”
As for old romantic relationships, I don’t really dwell on them too much. I mean, I’ve clearly moved on with my life and I hope they have as well. But sometimes I still find myself questioning whether I had any real impact on their lives.
Here’s the thing … Every guy I’ve ever been involved with (whether it was serious or casual) has, in some way, affected me. If nothing else, I learned what I did and didn’t want out of a relationship. So I have to wonder … Did I affect them in some way as well? And then I start wondering why I would even care (I still don’t have an answer for this). It doesn’t really matter, does it?
Memories are a strange thing, though. Some of them are so fuzzy that they can barely be recalled. But there are those memories that are so vivid you can still feel everything you felt in that moment, no matter how many years have passed. Those are the moments that leave a mark in your heart … They can’t simply be erased. Those are the moments that leave you wondering, years later, about someone you may have lost contact with.
Those are the moments that make you want to ask, “Do you still remember this? Do I still mean something to you?”